Listen, Louisiana. I don't know what's up with you and Pelicans, but maybe you shouldn't go around telling all the other states about your strange fetishes. I mean....you even have a bunch of Pelicans on your state flag! Seriously, you are disturbing. Also, if you ever sick your pelicans on me, I will ensure that they are doused in teriyaki sauce and eaten for dinner. Owned.
Maine, I know that you are really far north, but you are not the northernmost state, and therefore are not the most Christmasy state. Clearly, that is Alaska. You are fail. Also, isn't that where all the fisherman live? What does fishing and the sea have to do with Pine Trees? Hmm? You need to work on making a little more sense!
Maryland, I can understand why you might be such a cheap date, seeing as of how you are such a messed up shape. But you need to buck up and work on that self esteem! Give yourself a little more credit. You're worth more than free! But remember! Free does not equal Priceless! I'll give you $10 for a night on the town! That's more than 10x what you charged before! Lucky you!
Oh, Massachusetts. Who named you after some baked beans? And what gives you the impression that anyone would think that you AREN'T stinky with a name like that! Haven't you ever heard the popular tune about farting and beans? Beans, beans, they're good for your heart. The more you eat them, the more you fart! Obviously you did not get the memo. Consider yourself informed.