Wednesday, September 29, 2010

26.2 Reasons NOT to Run a Marathon

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Sister is an active marathon runner....probably because she is crazy.  She has all kinds of horror stories about it.

Never mind many many many reasons NOT to be a runner.  She has provided a list of 26.2 reasons to run a marathon.  It's madness, I tell you.  I can say this for certain because I once accompanied her on a long training run.  I did not run, of course.  I rode alongside her on a bike.  4 hours and one very sore rear end later, I was ready to pass out for the remainder of the weekend.

And yet, Sister still persists.  So I am going to do my very best to convince you all that Sister is WRONG.  Running is horrible!  NOBODY should devote those kinds of energies and resources to running 26.2 miles.

26.2 Reasons NOT to Run a Marathon
  1. The not-so glamorous side of running is all the reason I need, but this is not enough for Sister.
  2. The horrible stitches and cramps you get in your side
  3. Those "Sexy leg muscles" sister was talking about are ANYTHING but sexy.  Ever seen a gymnast's MONSTER legs under their tiny little torso?  Do you want to be that unbalanced?  Icky.
  4. No more sleeping in.  You have 5 a.m. runs to get started on!
  5. Runners have no boobs, and if they do, they sure as hell wish they didn't.  This is unpleasant no matter HOW you slice it, folks.
  6. Contrary to Sister's claims, it is NOT cheaper than therapy.  Especially if you have insurance covering it!  You have to by clothes, shoes, tape for your knees and stuff, treatments for the many blisters you will develop, never mind paying for the actual marathons!  This can get over $100 for EACH race.  Pricey.
  7. Less time for blogging
  8. You burn over a day's worth of calories in a few short hours when you run a marathon.  This may seem like a good thing, but I assure you, it is not!  You will be low energy for DAYS after such an expenditure of energy!
  9. Soda becomes your worst enemy!  It makes you dehydrated and more thirsty!  That means no delicious brown bubbly for you!
  10. Before the run, you have to watch what you eat...for DAYS.  Who wants to exercise that kind of self-control?  Not me! That's for sure!
  11. The Porta-Potties.  Seriously nasty, folks.  Think about it.   Hundreds of runners, all trying to get a good time, blazing past those porta potties without taking the time to watch where they're peeing, much less wipe up properly.
  12. Terrible blisters.  You think your feet hurt after standing around at work?  Try running 26.2 miles, THEN tell me how they feel!
  13. You have to turn off your cell phone when you run....for HOURS.
  14.  All those annoying numbers to crunch! Math math math.  Please, people. Let's leave the numbers for the math teachers.
  15.  You can't just DO it.  You have to train for months before you can run your first marathon.  This is not a one-shot thing.  It takes TONS of work.  Work that is clearly not worth it.  All that time, money, sweat, and blood, and for what?  A pretty piece of metal on a tacky ribbon? Lame
  16.  No matter how hard you train, you will never outrun a dinosaur.
  17.  It just proves how insane you are to your friends and family.  You are just ASKING to be commited!
  18.  It tempts you to eat all sorts of bad things afterward!  The largest cheeseburger in the world might be tasty, but you let yourself eat it because you think it was justified.  For shame.  Not all calories are good calories, folks!
  19.  Running injuries.  They happen.
  20.  You might run through a pile of dog poo...or worse, HORSE poop.  Ew!  Enjoy the last 20 miles or so with that smell lingering in your nose. Gross!
  21. People are going to start thinking of you as an athlete, and stop hanging out with you.  Nobody likes athletes.  It would be like hanging near all the hot jocks in high school.  Except YOU'RE the jock this time, and everyone avoids you because you make them look bad!
  22.  You'll start feeling compelled to organize everything into tidy little groups that fit into numbers associated with running.  Like 26.2 for instance.
  23.  All the old men in tiny short shorts.  You know who I'm talking about.  You have to see them when you do your running.  Gross.
  24.  If you're running a lot (and you're a girl), you have to shave your legs like EVERY week. That just sucks.
  25. You can kiss Saturday morning cartoons goodbye!  You'll be busy running!
  26. Tons of traveling, but not to cool places, like China, or France, or Spain.  To lame places.... like Houston.  Or San Antonio.  And you spend the whole time signing up, picking up papers, and RUNNING.  Lame. 
26.2.   You have to put up with people like me making fun of you for being crazy....because you are.

And there you go folks.  Sorry for no pictures, but I used up all my creativity coming up with all those reasons.

--------------------------- ATTENTION READERS --------------------------- 
On THIS UPCOMING THURSDAY September 30th, I will be changing my blog's URL to!!! 
--------------------------- ATTENTION READERS ---------------------------


  1. Hey double dipped on a couple of those reasons! :-P

    And I'll give you the old men in short shorts...but everyone gets to see them, not just the people running!

  2. I assure you... Dog poop (meatbased) is WAY worse than horse poop. Horse poop is hay. Just so you know... I want your posts to be factually correct. :)

  3. Dear Anonymous,

    You are correct about the poop content, but you have neglected the poop size. That being said, I suppose either horse or dog could be worse depending on the state of that animal's digestive system...

  4. I completely agree! Although I don't really have a choice, I can't even jog all the way around a track without having to lie down halfway through.