Monday, November 8, 2010

A Letter to Mark Burg

Dear Mark Burg,

What the heck is your problem?  Why would you ever spend that much money to produce the Saw movies?  They are torture porn.  Who the heck would want to watch torture porn?  Who the heck would want to produce it???  You are truly a strange human being.

As a result of your graphic, violent, malicious, sadistic films I find that I have trouble sleeping at night.  Shortly after seeing any of these films (that is to say, hiding in my room while Little Brother and Fiance watch them), I have trouble sleeping.  I think every little sound is something terrible.  My nights then go something like this...

And I spend all night moving between these three steps.  Settling into a restless light sleep, and then BAM.  There is some sort of creepy noise.  A car driving by, some jerk yelling at his drunk friends down the street, my roommate coming home.   A door creeking.  The house settling.  The floor groaning.

Then I can't do anything but curl up in a corner, going crazy.

Please, Mark Burg, do the world a favor, and create less horror, gore, and fear in the world.  Why can't you produce a few movies with happy fuzzy bunnies that like to paint rainbows or something?  I think that would make a much better film.

Also, if you INSIST on producing films that scare the pattootie out of me, I wish you would at least have the decency to make films that FAIL in the box office, instead of creating a bunch of box office hits.  This makes these torture pornography films impossible to avoid or ignore.

Mark Burg, I hate you forever.  Please go eat some candy, pet a unicorn, and look at the bright side of life.

Yours Truly,


P.S. You even give my dog nightmares.  Congratulations. I hope you are happy.


  1. awww. I hope he's done with these Saw movies. The first one was good but after 6 or 7 is it I'm sick of them. It is just torture porn. I'll pass!

  2. I saw one of the Saw movies-- yes, it's gross, no, it's not scary. At least to me. I love horror movies, but I don't particularly like watching someone struggle barefooted in a pit of hypodermic needles. No thank you.

    I'm sorry they're keeping you up at night, though. Just try to focus on pretty ponies when you are trying to fall asleep.

  3. I really don't know what the intrigue is in watching someone become slowly eviscerated by rusty farm equipment... (I don't know if rusty farm equipment was part of the Saw movies. I just assumed the most horrible thing I could think of as I refuse to watch them.)

    Anyway, you're right. It's torture porn. I can't even handle soft torture porn like when Husband made me watch "Shaun of the Dead" and led me to believe that it was a "quality movie". I will never again be so gullible.

    I think I know exactly how you feel.

  4. A friend of mine scarred me for life after enticing me into watching the trailer for the Human Centipede.

    I couldn't eat for days.

    Very similar.

  5. It has just gone a bit far now. I mean, how many movies are there now? Does anyone know if and how they all fit together? NO! It is like lost, the storyline just keeps getting more weird so they can drag it out for another season.

    PS. Have you thought about not watching them? That might help?

  6. Food porn is a much better alternative...

  7. I used to be so into the saw movies...until they kept making they bore the crap out of me